


Scratchmarks

by stardustpaths



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Human Castiel, Hunt Gone Wrong, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-13
Updated: 2015-05-13
Packaged: 2018-03-30 07:19:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3927871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustpaths/pseuds/stardustpaths
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A hunt goes wrong and Castiel blames himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scratchmarks

**Author's Note:**

> Happy birthday Hannah!

The hunt was supposed to be a simple one. Nothing fancy, just a good old scary beast killing livestock and some unfortunate pets, as Dean summarized, throwing a bunch of newspaper articles on the table. He claimed it would ease Castiel back into hunting, now that he was human.

Cas wasn’t sure how he felt about being eased back into anything. What if he wasn’t capable of hunting anymore? Life still felt overwhelming and confusing a lot of time. There were too many things he’d never had to think about before, like sleep, and showers, and making laundry. It was tiring. Even remembering to eat regularly seemed like a challenge. Maybe he would forget something important during the hunt as easily as he’d forgotten about the breakfast Dean had made for him the previous day. It’d stood on the kitchen table for hours, getting cold, until his stomach had been rumbling loudly and he’d begun to feel dizzy.

He agreed to go anyway. It seemed important to Dean.

They left the same afternoon - the hunt wasn’t that far away and Dean wanted to get out for a few hours. Part of Castiel wished they were more like the people who went to cinema or to a restaurant when they wanted to get out of the house. He’d seen that a lot on TV. It would be nice to go out like that with Dean. He just wasn’t sure Dean would like that too.

The whole plan was to track the beast, kill it, and go home. They didn’t even need any special weapons or rituals. After all, it wasn’t much more than an overgrown animal, giving the locals a scare.

The sun set soon after they reached their destination, leaving them with fading leftovers of daylight. They delved into the thick woods, their guns ready, trying to maneuver between vines and mossy trees as quietly as possible.

Nothing happened for a long while, leaving Castiel restless. The air felt damp and heavy, the heat of the day still present despite the late hour. The beast was nowhere to be seen. Time dragged unbelievably slowly, almost like the whole forest around them was closed in a bubble in which the world just stopped moving forward. It was something that always surprised Cas since he lost his grace - human lives used to seem so short, passing in a flash, and yet there was still place for moments like this, moments when everything felt like it was taking longer than it should.

It left a lot of time for unwanted thoughts to worm their way into his mind. This was the first hunt he wouldn't be able to do anything if Dean got injured. He couldn’t stop himself from expecting the beast to be something else, something they weren’t prepared to hunt. Something that would kill Dean, leaving him to watch it, completely helpless. Even the mere thought made him nauseous.

A wild howl echoed through the air, making Cas’ hair stand on end. Dean moved quickly in that direction, signaling Cas to close in on the beast from the other side. Castiel nodded, his heart racing, and immediately followed Dean’s order.

He didn’t make it far. Maybe the ground was uneven, maybe it was a root or a vine and he wasn’t paying enough attention; it didn’t matter. What mattered was that he tripped and before he knew he was tumbling down into a small ditch between the trees.

A string of Enochian curses flew through his mind as he got back up, brushing away mud and a few stray leaves off his face. Everything hurt and he had no idea where his gun was. Of course he had to lose it when a dangerous beast that could potentially kill both of them lurked somewhere nearby. Just his luck.

“Hey man, are you all right?” Dean asked in a low voice. He was standing above the ditch, looking down at Cas with visible concern. His face seemed pale in the dim light of the moon, almost like he was scared.

Castiel grunted in response, glancing around and trying to find the gun. Dean shouldn’t have left his position to check on him. Now they both were distracted, with no idea where the beast was. And it was his fault because he hadn’t been watching his step. This hunt had been a bad idea.

He finally saw his gun, lying a few feet away. As he picked it up, he caught movement with the corner of his eye. A dark shape creeped closer behind Dean, readying itself to jump.

“Dean, watch out!” Cas shouted, panic rising inside of him. His worst fears were close to coming true.

Before Dean had a chance to react, the beast leaped forward with another howl, knocking him down and digging its paws in his back. Castiel’s heart almost jumped out of his chest. This couldn’t be happening. Not thinking anymore, he aimed and shot the beast in the head. Hopefully it wasn’t too late for Dean.

The beast wavered, howling once more, and fell to the side with a dull thud. Cas scrambled up out of the ditch as fast as he could, his hands shaking. Dean had to be alive. He would never forgive himself if Dean died because of him.

Dean lay still on the ground, his shirt bloody and ripped. The beast was next to him, a pool of blood forming next to its head and slowly sinking between the leaves. It looked almost like a giant cat, not counting big, scaly spikes on its back. There had been times when Castiel would have been able to get rid of it with a flick of his fingers. Not anymore.

“Dean?” he asked quietly, already fearing there would be no response.

Dean groaned from the ground. “Fuck, that was close.”

A wave of relief washed over Cas. Dean was still alive. Injured, but alive.

“Thanks, Cas. I’d be dead by now if it wasn’t for you,” Dean said, trying to get up, his voice clipped from pain.

“Let’s get you back to the car,” Cas replied with a lump in his throat, propping Dean up. It was hard to stop himself from adding that Dean would never be in that situation if it wasn’t for him and his clumsiness.

\---

Dean had a cracked rib and Castiel was so mad at himself he was almost shaking. A least the cuts on Dean’s back weren’t deep enough to need stitches. It could’ve been worse. Cas disinfected them carefully with gentle touches, trying not to cause Dean any more pain than he already had. He grimaced, looking at his work. Dean shouldn’t have to bear the marks of his mistake, and Cas wished more than anything he were still able to make them disappear, but that ability was gone with his grace like everything else.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Dean said softly, adjusting the bag of ice on his ribs, while Cas finished with dressings on his back.

Dean’s words were too much. Something dark was growing inside Castiel’s chest and he could no longer keep it there, keep it away from Dean. “You certainly would do better on hunts,” he stated stiffly.

Dean furrowed his brow, turning to face Cas, and resting his side against the back of the couch, careful to make sure his back wasn’t touching anything. “What are you talking about?” His eyes were a little dazed, the painkillers had already kicked in.

Cas sighed. He didn't really want to talk about it, but he also couldn’t _not_ talk about it. Not when Dean was acting so grateful, ignoring the simple truth. “It was my fault, what happened today. I… I became a liability.”

“Cas…” Dean was looking at him with a weird expression, searching for something in his face.

Castiel turned away. “Maybe you should hunt alone,” he said. It would be better for everyone.

“You don’t mean that.” There was hurt in Dean’s voice. Cas wasn’t sure why; he was just trying to make it easier for both of them. Dean had to understand what was best for him.

“I do. I don’t want you to get killed because of me.”

Dean shook his head. “You saved me today, Cas. Shit goes wrong all the time, and the important thing is how you react to it. You were fast enough to kill the beast and save my life and that’s what counts.”

Castiel swallowed. Why did it sound so simple when Dean said it? “That’s not good enough for me.”

“Of course it isn’t,” Dean huffed, falling silent for a while, his eyes half-closed. “Man, you’re so much more than I deserve,” he murmured.

That didn’t make any sense. Dean deserved every good thing in the world and Castiel wasn’t any of them. He couldn’t even heal him anymore. It was a mystery why Dean still wanted him around. “I don’t understand.”

“You… you are something special, you know. Having grace or not. Always have been.” Dean smiled lazily. Maybe the painkillers were a little too strong, Cas thought, trying to ignore a weird, warm feeling that spread through him. “And you could’ve done anything you wanted with your human life, but you’re still here, close to throwing a tantrum because you think you put me in danger.”

Castiel didn’t know what to say to that. He _wasn’t_ throwing a tantrum and he _had_ put Dean in danger. It felt like Dean was talking about something else, something that didn’t happen outside of his head. It was confusing how different the whole situation was in his eyes.

“Where else would I be?” Cas asked in the end.

Dean shrugged. “I don’t know, if I were you I would run away from me as far as I could,” he mumbled.

Cas felt like someone had punched him. He knew Dean for years, but it was always so unexpected to be reminded how Dean felt about himself. Why couldn't he notice his own worth? Even though Castiel wasn’t able to see Dean’s soul anymore, in his head Dean would always be like a shining sun, burning brightly with love and passion; brave and good and _so wonderful_. He wished Dean could see the same.

“Dean, I want to be here. I just don’t want to be a burden to you.”

“You’re never a burden, Cas,” Dean said quietly, taking Castiel’s hand. The feeling of the touch was so sudden that Cas almost jumped. It was nice though. Dean’s hand was rough and warm, and touching it calmed him down somehow, making the weight on his shoulders lighter than it was just moments ago.

Maybe that hunt hadn’t been as terrible as he thought. Maybe Dean was right and things like that just happened sometimes. And maybe just as he saw things in Dean that Dean himself couldn’t see, Dean saw something similar in him. Maybe that something even existed, despite his inability to see it.

“You’re something special too, even if you refuse to accept it,” he said, squeezing Dean’s hand.

Dean didn’t answer. His eyes were completely closed now, the bag of ice forgotten next to him, and for a moment Cas thought he’d already fallen asleep. Then Dean smiled again. “You know what, we probably won’t live long enough, but if I had to pick someone to grow old with, it would be you.”

Castiel’s throat clenched painfully. His anger had already disappeared, replaced by sudden longing. He never thought about their future before, but now he wished Dean’s vision could come true. He wanted to see the time when they were both gray-haired and wrinkled, and they would look back and laugh at a bunch of old, half-forgotten hunting stories. And who knows, maybe one day they would even laugh at the unfortunate beast hunt. It wouldn't be that bad, being able to laugh at it.

“It would be nice,” he said, “to grow old with you.”


End file.
